This is my line and my claim to London. I am not from Essex, shut up. The Central Line is often the hottest and filled with the most pissed off people... I love it :)
Ilford Boys' natural habitat is from Mile End to Gants Hill. Despite their name this term can be applied to most cliches in East London. You can recognise an Ilford Boy by his trousers - which are worn to a level ensuring impressive exposure of his boxers. Think of them as the La Senza's vs. the M&S' his mother lovingly bought. Ilford Boys also tend to sport 'lines' on their face or cut into their hair (though my living in Leicester has meant I'm not completely sure how popular this trend is at the moment). Real Ilford Boys opt to wear mass-produced and overpriced labels which a very distant relative back in their homeland (almost always Asian) created - and then proceed to mock people who don't. Contrastingly, Ilford Girls (who pretty much equate to 'Harrow Girls') embrace too much liquid eyeliner and foundation for what was an already pretty face. You can often tell when it is about to rain because, in the distance, a wailing sound screaming 'my hair!' can be heard. This is because Ilford Girls have incredibly straight hair. Water is its kryptonite. Every girl brought up in the East has gone through this phase but some never make it out. Sadface.
Patrick hangs around the Stratford - Holborn area. He tends to perv quite openly at the attractive 20-something blondes whose Basic Instinct is to 'pull a Sharon Stone'. Mr Bateman considers himself a ladies man, if he does say so himself. The middle aged man who often tags along beside him never notices this carriage flirting and has become accustomed to Bateman's lack of eye contact when he talks at him about the annual turnover of a company his colleague feigned interest in to get the job. Sometimes there are Mrs. Batemans. When the two combine it leads to an overwhelming realisation that, yes, we are in the 21st century where women can have powerful jobs too. Yes, women can wear tailored suits and be taken seriously. Go girl power and feminism and hairyness! Then they begin cooing, and exchanging DNA through saliva, and make it very uncomfortable for other rush hour passengers who are already struggling to find something to look at after having exhausted their reading materials (the ads) in the morning. Everyone proceeds to mentally 'awkward turtle'.
From Holborn to White City you can find every Londoner’s favourite group: tourists! Technically each type of tourist should have its own group - from the unnecessarily untrusting Chinese to the unnecessarily trusting Americans (who we don't trust). Nevertheless there are several ways to spot a tourist besides the quintessential 'I <3 London' T-Shirts (which I have, suggesting it’s crap evidence anyway). For example: did you know an adult Tourist rarely ever sits down? This is likely to be because they are not trained in the art of ruthlessly shoving someone to get that seat. Tourists also seem to have an unnatural addiction to H&M, especially when they come from a country which already has H&M stores. The clue as to whether someone is a Tourist is the speed in which they travel. Using Speed Equals Distance Over Time establish whether the person in question is moving at less than half the rate you are. Obviously account for illness and disabilities, otherwise this is a fool-proof way of working out whether the dude in front of you is a Tourist or someone you can tut at.
White City-onwards is out of the way and should be kept that way. Face it.
Tuesday 29 March 2011
Friday 18 March 2011
The 30 Day Song Challenge (in 1 Day)
day 01 - your favourite song: Dancing in the Moonlight - Toploader
I don't know anyone who dislikes this song, and if they do, they're lame.
day 02 - your least favourite song: Rude Boy - Rihanna
How can people sing songs like this with their parents watching?!
day 03 - a song that makes you happy: Keep on Moving - Five
:) My first ever concert at Wembley Arena. I also ate my first ever Burger King burger that day.
day 04 - a song that makes you sad: Champagne Supernova - Oasis
This song used to make me happy but now it just reminds me of my brother's funeral as this was the song we played just before he got cremated (it was his favourite)
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone: It's Too Late - Evermore
Jasmin: Have you heard of this band called 'Evermore'?
Me: ...WHAT!?
This was so not her kind of music.
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere: Great Pretender - Freddie Mercury
Last summer I worked for Madame Tussauds London. There's a room the staff call 'World Stage' where MJ, Beyoncé and all those big stars' models are where a few music videos are played on loop. By the end of the 7 weeks you want to punch someone in the face everytime you hear them but, for some reason, I loved this one. I think it's because the video is so weird you can't stop staring at it.
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event: Turn Me On - Kevin Lyttle
The Year 8 disco. Several pointless memories: Sarah and I pulled Mr Consiglio up to dance, Nick Hogan asked out Sezin, Miguel and I did that locking hands and spinning thing that cowboys do to a Steps song :)
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to: Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus
day 09 - a song that you can dance to: Ignition - R. Kelly
I don't care if he Golden Showered an underage girl, the man makes me believe I can fly!
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep: To Be Alone With You – Sufjan Stevens
day 11 - a song from your favourite band: Motownphilly – Boyz II Men
ONE of my favourite bands anyway. They sang this TWICE when Jasmin and I saw this, I nearly wet myself
day 12 - a song from a band you hate: Shake It – Metro Station
I hope they lose their voices.
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure: Mysterious Girl – Peter Andre
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love: AC-DC - You Shook Me All Night Long
I'm pretty sure Daniel S. sent this to me on MSN years ago. It makes me smile.
day 15 - a song that describes you: A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz ;)
I would love to be the kind of girl Jason sings about.
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate: Hurt – Johnny Cash
Nik's best friend told me he used to sing and play this on guitar. I never knew this before he died but now I hate listening to it.
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio: California Girls - Katy Perry
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio: Float On - Goldspot
People would stop being assholes if they listened to this shit
day 19 - a song from your favourite album: Butterfly - Jason Mraz
JASON
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry: Just Like a Pill - Pink
Jasmin Jethwa recommendation. Works.
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy: Porcelain - Moby
Shut your eyes and imagine you're lying on a beach
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad: Let Go – Frou Frou
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding: Lady - Modjo
If I marry Daniel
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral: Bittersweet Symphony – The Verve
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh: Eamon – Fuck It
Because 1) the lyrics are hilarious 2) his voice is hilarious 3) I associate it with when Geogia and Carissa came to Leicester which is when 1) I learnt what 'minesweeping' was 2) I learnt the repercussions of minesweeping after I vommed 3) We met Philip
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument: Seven Nation Army – The White Stripes
Very vaguely on guitar - an instrument too big for me to hold properly so I rest it on my lap
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play: Apologize – OneRepublic
Jizz.
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty: I don't even understand this one?!
day 29 - a song from your childhood: I Want To Hold Your Hand - The Beatles
My mother is a Beatles fan, and she taught me the words to this song, and my dad's more about Elvis. I like both.
day 30 - your favourite song at this time last year: Kids - MGMT
Flat 2 bitches.
Deep, non?
I don't know anyone who dislikes this song, and if they do, they're lame.
day 02 - your least favourite song: Rude Boy - Rihanna
How can people sing songs like this with their parents watching?!
day 03 - a song that makes you happy: Keep on Moving - Five
:) My first ever concert at Wembley Arena. I also ate my first ever Burger King burger that day.
day 04 - a song that makes you sad: Champagne Supernova - Oasis
This song used to make me happy but now it just reminds me of my brother's funeral as this was the song we played just before he got cremated (it was his favourite)
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone: It's Too Late - Evermore
Jasmin: Have you heard of this band called 'Evermore'?
Me: ...WHAT!?
This was so not her kind of music.
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere: Great Pretender - Freddie Mercury
Last summer I worked for Madame Tussauds London. There's a room the staff call 'World Stage' where MJ, Beyoncé and all those big stars' models are where a few music videos are played on loop. By the end of the 7 weeks you want to punch someone in the face everytime you hear them but, for some reason, I loved this one. I think it's because the video is so weird you can't stop staring at it.
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event: Turn Me On - Kevin Lyttle
The Year 8 disco. Several pointless memories: Sarah and I pulled Mr Consiglio up to dance, Nick Hogan asked out Sezin, Miguel and I did that locking hands and spinning thing that cowboys do to a Steps song :)
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to: Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus
day 09 - a song that you can dance to: Ignition - R. Kelly
I don't care if he Golden Showered an underage girl, the man makes me believe I can fly!
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep: To Be Alone With You – Sufjan Stevens
day 11 - a song from your favourite band: Motownphilly – Boyz II Men
ONE of my favourite bands anyway. They sang this TWICE when Jasmin and I saw this, I nearly wet myself
day 12 - a song from a band you hate: Shake It – Metro Station
I hope they lose their voices.
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure: Mysterious Girl – Peter Andre
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love: AC-DC - You Shook Me All Night Long
I'm pretty sure Daniel S. sent this to me on MSN years ago. It makes me smile.
day 15 - a song that describes you: A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz ;)
I would love to be the kind of girl Jason sings about.
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate: Hurt – Johnny Cash
Nik's best friend told me he used to sing and play this on guitar. I never knew this before he died but now I hate listening to it.
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio: California Girls - Katy Perry
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio: Float On - Goldspot
People would stop being assholes if they listened to this shit
day 19 - a song from your favourite album: Butterfly - Jason Mraz
JASON
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry: Just Like a Pill - Pink
Jasmin Jethwa recommendation. Works.
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy: Porcelain - Moby
Shut your eyes and imagine you're lying on a beach
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad: Let Go – Frou Frou
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding: Lady - Modjo
If I marry Daniel
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral: Bittersweet Symphony – The Verve
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh: Eamon – Fuck It
Because 1) the lyrics are hilarious 2) his voice is hilarious 3) I associate it with when Geogia and Carissa came to Leicester which is when 1) I learnt what 'minesweeping' was 2) I learnt the repercussions of minesweeping after I vommed 3) We met Philip
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument: Seven Nation Army – The White Stripes
Very vaguely on guitar - an instrument too big for me to hold properly so I rest it on my lap
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play: Apologize – OneRepublic
Jizz.
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty: I don't even understand this one?!
day 29 - a song from your childhood: I Want To Hold Your Hand - The Beatles
My mother is a Beatles fan, and she taught me the words to this song, and my dad's more about Elvis. I like both.
day 30 - your favourite song at this time last year: Kids - MGMT
Flat 2 bitches.
Deep, non?
Saturday 5 March 2011
Nikul Shah
Dear Nik,
I never told you exactly how much I love you. You named me, you were my first word, you bought me my first album, looked after me the first time I got drunk and basically wrote my personal statement. It was you that I told first ‘I’m going to Leicester’. Every step of my life you have been there and now I have to make it without my big brother.
When we were growing up I was always so jealous of you: The Golden Boy. My Bs were just shadows of all your As and A*s but it was YOU who first said ‘well done’ to me. Don’t think you weren’t a know-it-all though...You still felt the need to butt in with a sarcastic comment (or 4) and then we’d argue like cat and dog. But still, you never held grudges against me – even after I puked in your face in Kenya or kept you awake the whole flight to India because I was singing the same song for about 9 hours.
Nik, you always knew what to say to make me angry but you’d always make me laugh twice as hard. I’ve forgotten the number of times I screamed the house down after you’d wait for ridiculous lengths of time in the dark just to scare me. Thank you for sending me post with stupid nicknames that only you used like ‘Teglet’ and signing me up to Christian and lesbian support groups, thinking you were funny. And the impressions or accents... you, Nish and I would spend so many hours on Goodness Gracious Me sketches and All Saints dance routines because of you.
Everyone in our family has experienced your culinary skills. Whether these were good or bad experiences is another question. Chilli paneer, good. Cheesecake, good. Thai curry, overly experimental. You could be putting milk on cereal and manage to destroy the kitchen and accumulate two sinkfuls worth of dishes - which Mum had to wash.
You always looked after our guinea pigs or went to the hospital to see Nani but the night after Jasmin died is when I realised how caring you really are. I’ll never stop being grateful for how you stayed awake all night with me, talking me out of shock and making me realise the pain of losing my oldest friend would stop hurting so much one day. You looked after me and framed my favourite photo of us. You were so good with unexpected gestures and never expected anything back – I still remember how surprised you were when I said ‘thank you’. That night you said ‘I know I haven’t always been the best brother but, I promise, I’m here for you now’ – and you were.
So much has changed for me in such a short space of time, I’m not sure how it’s going to work. Let’s make a deal Nik. Look after Bapuji, Jasmin and all the boys and I promise I’ll look after our family forever. Enjoy yourself, live as fast as you did with us, keep dancing badly and we’ll always say your name with a smile.
Laya Bha.
I never told you exactly how much I love you. You named me, you were my first word, you bought me my first album, looked after me the first time I got drunk and basically wrote my personal statement. It was you that I told first ‘I’m going to Leicester’. Every step of my life you have been there and now I have to make it without my big brother.
When we were growing up I was always so jealous of you: The Golden Boy. My Bs were just shadows of all your As and A*s but it was YOU who first said ‘well done’ to me. Don’t think you weren’t a know-it-all though...You still felt the need to butt in with a sarcastic comment (or 4) and then we’d argue like cat and dog. But still, you never held grudges against me – even after I puked in your face in Kenya or kept you awake the whole flight to India because I was singing the same song for about 9 hours.
Nik, you always knew what to say to make me angry but you’d always make me laugh twice as hard. I’ve forgotten the number of times I screamed the house down after you’d wait for ridiculous lengths of time in the dark just to scare me. Thank you for sending me post with stupid nicknames that only you used like ‘Teglet’ and signing me up to Christian and lesbian support groups, thinking you were funny. And the impressions or accents... you, Nish and I would spend so many hours on Goodness Gracious Me sketches and All Saints dance routines because of you.
Everyone in our family has experienced your culinary skills. Whether these were good or bad experiences is another question. Chilli paneer, good. Cheesecake, good. Thai curry, overly experimental. You could be putting milk on cereal and manage to destroy the kitchen and accumulate two sinkfuls worth of dishes - which Mum had to wash.
You always looked after our guinea pigs or went to the hospital to see Nani but the night after Jasmin died is when I realised how caring you really are. I’ll never stop being grateful for how you stayed awake all night with me, talking me out of shock and making me realise the pain of losing my oldest friend would stop hurting so much one day. You looked after me and framed my favourite photo of us. You were so good with unexpected gestures and never expected anything back – I still remember how surprised you were when I said ‘thank you’. That night you said ‘I know I haven’t always been the best brother but, I promise, I’m here for you now’ – and you were.
So much has changed for me in such a short space of time, I’m not sure how it’s going to work. Let’s make a deal Nik. Look after Bapuji, Jasmin and all the boys and I promise I’ll look after our family forever. Enjoy yourself, live as fast as you did with us, keep dancing badly and we’ll always say your name with a smile.
Laya Bha.
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